Beauty from Ashes

2010-01-15T07:55:00.002-06:00

it won't be long now
you reach for heaven
touching the hearts of angels
tears stream steadily down

your life comes and goes
as the waves break over the shore
and return yet again to the vast sea
leaving memories in their wake

these last moments are a gift
a rarity of mortal perception
one last chance to share
your life with another

writer's block...ugh...

2010-01-09T06:05:00.002-06:00

so lately i have been suffering majorly with writer's block. i sit down begin to either write or type and nothing appears on the page before me. this is very frustrating when i feel like i need to get something off my chest and the words just won't come. i can usually get inspiration from music and books but it seems fruitless these days. so if anyone has any suggestions on how to demolish this creative barricade do tell.

star crossed lovers syndrome

2009-11-19T03:00:00.008-06:00

so this is something a little new to my blog. i need to vent. so what better way than to a page that doesn't speak or judge. (and also only like 4 people read. :)

ok so this is what is on my mind. i work with the youth in my church. i love them. i am blessed to be a part of their lives. however, it's hard to sit back and watch the things that they are plagued with on a daily basis. one of the things that i have a hard time dealing with on my own personal level is the "emo lifestyle" i personally have been accused of being emo a time or two because of a) the music i like, b) my wardrobe consists of quite a bit of black, c) i write poetry, and so on and so forth. you get the picture. anyway, i believe that there is a certain mentality that comes along with being "emo." please don't misunderstand. i don't think the music you listen to, the clothes you wear, or things you are interested in make you "emo." it's a certain frame of mind. just my opinion. let me further explain.

so many of our young people today are given such a twisted, warped view of life. they are filled with so many lies and illusions that create this dark and pain-filled world. something that is often associated with "emo kids" is suicide. unfortunately, i am all too familiar with this subject.

let me just add this disclaimer right now. I AM IN NO WAY BLAMING ANYONE OR PIN-POINTING A RESPONSIBLE PARTY FOR ANYONES SUICIDE OR SUICIDE ATTEMPT. PEOPLE HAVE TO MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES.

so we've got this distorted view of life and the difficulties we encounter, and the world/media tries to tell us how to live a happy, well adjusted life. and when that fails, there are things out there that just reinforce our already pessimistic point of view. there are countless songs that glorify this sort of lifestyle. when things get too much to handle there are other solutions.

i think what irritates me the most is that somehow beauty or justification has been attached to suicide. now i'm not sure if these phrases have ever been used before, but i call it the "Romeo and Juliet Complex," or "Star-Crossed Lovers Syndrome." we as a society have instilled it in our minds that death/suicide is romantic. songs describe it as beautiful and romantic. we get this illusion of what we think suicide would be like. the part we miss in these stories and songs is just this: THEY ARE STORIES AND SONGS. they are a fictional representation of real life. i usually express myself in my poetry, so if you read "not what you expected" this is a poem to my brother. it is basically stating that the picture he had in his head about death/suicide is nothing like the reality of his life now.

movies are even worse culprits. they set up a scene and the actor walks in to find their dead relative or friend, the slow sad music is cued and the film is put in slow motion as they drop a glass that shatters when it hits the floor. this is unrealistic and paints a picture to impressionable people that this is what death/suicide is.

my reason for posting this little rant is this: DEATH IS NOT THE ONLY OUTCOME OF SUICIDE. there are far worse things than death when it comes to suicide. i think it's important to spread awareness.

let me also state that i am a fan of some of the music and movies out there that depict a false view of suicide. i get that it's not real. but there are others that don't. there are others that are looking for hope, that are looking for something and they only find darkness. they only find things to reinforce their already warped view. i think musicians, film makers, everyone should be more aware of this. writing from your own personal pain or misery is one thing, but to make a buck is a different story.

you lingered...

2009-11-15T00:46:00.010-06:00

i dreamt about you yesterday
everything was wisps and vapor
the edges blurring into your face
you whispered something not understood

i reached for you time after time
and you eternally evaded my grip
my outstretched fingers pass through your hands
trying to grasp your wavering form

your presence is a weight
as heavy as a wave crashing down
i come up for air not often enough
to find you crashing over me again

your face haunts me in my sleep
like a ghost in my memory
that leaves me feeling empty inside
a tangible sadness enveloping

i unwillingly awoke to find
traces of you chased away by morning
like shadows scurrying from the light
leaving coldness in their wake

FIYAH

2009-11-08T23:46:00.005-06:00

there's a fire
burning beneath my skin
heat seeping
out of every pore
it won't be contained
it will never be satisfied

this fire
it's contagious
let it touch you
and it'll burn straight to your soul
it's hungry for more
searching for fuel

in this fire
there is love
love that is
uncontained
unapologetic
immeasurable
limitless
astounding
unimaginable
unquenchable
insatiable
unconfined

it's all for you

just thought you should know

2009-11-05T01:15:00.003-06:00

have i ever told you
that you're all i'll ever need
or that my heart beats
just a little faster when you are near

have i ever told you
how perfect you truly are
or that when you hold me
nothing else matters

have i ever told you
you make my world go round
or that you're so much more
than i ever would have thought to ask for

have i ever told you
sometimes i can't believe that you're mine
or that it blows my mind to think
that you wanted me too

just thought you should know ;)

2009-10-30T05:27:00.005-05:00

so, i'm going to take a break from my normal style on here, and just tell you a little about the things swimming around in my head.

for the first time in my life i actually feel quite comfortable in my own skin. i spent most of my teenage years staring in a mirror trying to figure out what was wrong with me.(i'm sure most women have spent a good solid chunk of their lives here as well) but, right now in this moment, i'm ok. for some that's not such a big deal; for me, it's huge. i'm stepping into womanhood with a new outlook on life. wow, as cheesy as that sounds, it's true. basically, my whole life i have felt like there was some dark gloomy cloud hanging over my head. and just in the past few months have i been able to look through it to see the sunshine beaming down. i can say things like "i am smart," "i am beautiful," "i am loved" AND ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT! like i said, not a huge step for some, but for me it's ginormous. so enough with the self-help mumbo jumbo.

another thing i have been thinking about is going back school. i would like to pursue a degree in english. i love reading and writing and would love to have a job where i could sit and read all day...ahhh to dream.... my brother, Philip, and his girlfriend, Sesslie, have been bringing me their papers to look over before they turn them in at school. i have found that i have developed a love of teaching as well. now let me be clear, i definitely don't want to be a teacher, but i get some joy out of explaining things to them that they don't understand. the moment they do, the look of recognition and understanding that they get on their faces, is priceless. but to actually stand in front of a classroom and have to make assignments just brings on high school flashbacks that i have tried to repress.

in my skin

2009-10-30T05:17:00.003-05:00

i want you to know me
i want you to see inside
the inner workings of my mind
and get a glimpse of this girl
you just might be surprised

i may not be your average girl
but for once i'm ok with that
this comfort in my own skin
may have taken a while
but now a thing of beauty

teach me

2009-10-30T05:09:00.003-05:00

teach me
how to look at someone
and not allow my emotions to speak for me

teach me
how to speak to someone
and say what i am actually thinking

teach me
how to stand up for myself
even when i am scared

teach me
how to love someone
when all i feel is hate

teach me
how to comfort someone
when there is no hope

teach me

beauty from ashes

2009-09-22T23:13:00.003-05:00

so after a very traumatizing and life altering experience i find myself in a position i thought was unreachable. for so long i ran from the comfort and peace that our Lord and Savior, Jesus, offers, however in one of the most difficult and emotional times in my life i learned to run TO Him. other times in my life that have been difficult to deal with: the passing of my father, dealing with michael's illness; they have all in some way tried and tested my faith. but, NOTHING has tested it more than the recent experience with my brother, Robert. in february he tried to kill himself. my first instinct was, like many other people who've dealt with this sort of thing, Why? Why this? Why us? i couldn't wrap my head around the situation. i couldn't understand how God, in His infinite wisdom, could let this happen. hadn't we been through enough? while sitting in Robert's ICU hospital room, in the middle of the night, i began to cry out to God. I asked the whys, the how could Yous, the inexplicable questions that my flesh side dwelt on. and in ICU bed 7 at Herrin Hospital, God wrapped His loving arms around me and covered me in a blanket of peace. now i had read about His 'peace that passeth all understanding', but i had never actually experienced it. in that moment, i knew without a shadow of a doubt that God's will was taking place in not just my life, but Robert's as well. AND I WAS OK WITH IT! yes, i want complete restoration and healing in Robert's life. however, i want more than anything for God to have HIS will done, not mine. i don't know what His plans are for me or for Robert. all i know is that through this whole experience, i have never felt closer to Him. people say that everything happens for a reason, and i believe it. i don't have to understand it, i don't have to worry about it; all i have to do is keep believing and holding on to Hope. because if there is nothing else i have...
I HAVE HOPE.

my life in ashes
scattered all around
He swept in like a blazing fire
and burned me to the ground

when i looked up and saw
the Devastation left behind
my ashes swirling in the wind
and left nothing but my mind

Hopelessness and Doubt
circle like vultures upon my barren land
pushing at my threshold
requesting permission to destroy

i thought the Fight was over
that i had nowhere to turn
but then Your voice like Rain
blanketed my life aflame

never have i been so secure
never have i been so sure
Your love is all around me
and i have Peace once more

realization floods my being
You've been here the whole time
no more useless fleeing
the Fire drowned out by Faith

You took my life in ashes
and poured out Your precious Grace
You made something beautiful
out of cinders and smoke

1:35

2009-09-15T01:21:00.005-05:00

it's late

my mind wanders

my body begging for rest

minutes tick tocking by

never reaching a goal

there's more

this can't be it

my soul cries out

words meaningless

tarry here with me

i am overwhelmed

hands grasp at nothing

only faith remains

please find purchase

not everything will be shaken

not what you'd expect

2009-08-15T02:10:00.005-05:00

So this isn't what you expected is it?
Not the glitzy, glamorous thing you thought
They lied when they said it'd be beautiful
When they said it was something that they'd sought

Now you lie in misery
Now you lie pain wrought

It's become a game of waiting
Minutes turn to days
Eyes wide open, hands clenched tight

What's become an idea now fading
Minutes turn to days
Eyes wide open, hands clenched tight

So this helplessness is consuming
Like a fire burning through my strength
This watching and this waiting
Tests my will at great length

Now we lie in misery
Now we lie pain wrought

And I know this isn't what he expected
When he came to seek and destroy
We're rebuilding what's been broken
Not letting this be his token
Cause we won't go down without a fight
To lay down our arms is just not right

So we stand
When there's nothing else to do
We just stand

now you know...

2009-08-15T02:03:00.003-05:00

what, you say, are you thinking?
my mind wanders aimlessly
processing the words and wondering
what to say.

time tramples past me
leaving me in it's wake
bubbling madness always at the brim
of my cup that's overflowing.

overwhelmed i reach for salvation
my hands crack and bleed
they are as i would have them
foreign blood running through them.

what, you say, are you thinking?
my heart pumps persistently
willing me to keep breathing
beckoning me to go on.

whirling shades of darkness
entreating ever pushing onward
light hearkens, halting only at my request
my fragile state it's master.

when will this weight be lifted?
when will we stop aching?
when will this world stop hurting?
when will life stop crushing?

waiting
waiting
waiting

these hands

2009-08-15T01:58:00.001-05:00

these hands
what they touch
they destroy

these hands
what they hold
they mock

these hands
what they feel
they reject

these hands
what they seek
they waste

these hands
these hands are mine
these hands belong to You

penning insomnia

2009-08-15T01:54:00.001-05:00

did you forget?
was it so easily washed away
like the sun chases the darkness away

did you forget?
time may go by
but for some it stands perfectly still

did you forget?
some things change consistently
while others remain constant

did you forget?
this secret place that
engulfs what fragile strength is left

that girl

2009-08-15T01:39:00.001-05:00

i never wanted to be that girl
that girl with all the problems
that girl with all the issues
that girl that everyone feels sorry for

whispers and slights of hand
she might break they fear
don't push too hard
the pieces might shatter

don't look
don't laugh
don't think too hard
don't breathe

don't show them
don't show them
don't show them
don't show them

wasted efforts
lying in vain on the floor
i tried to make you believe
my heart cracked open

i never wanted to be that girl
that girl with all the problems
that girl with all the issues
that girl that everyone feels sorry for

but here i am

who are you?

2009-08-15T01:13:00.000-05:00

who are you?

who are you
to tell me i'm not good enough?
this masquerade is endless
talking and dancing in tiny circles

who are you
to try and tear down my heart and my soul?
this ceaseless cause carrying such a heavy weight
pulling and pulling further down to your level

who are you
to try and convince me that i can't handle it?
please pause and consider what you are saying
these bombs you drop exploding all around me

who are you
to try and take what strength and peace i do have?
destroy and debilitate because it's what you do
having exercised lack of happiness of your own

who are you?